So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
