Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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