that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
