i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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