I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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