remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
