I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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