When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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