Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
