How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
