I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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