did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities