I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
