The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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