Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
