I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
