my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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