Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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