he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Floor bacon is actually really good
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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