wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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