OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
