I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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