What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
