he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
