I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
