Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
