Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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