By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
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I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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