Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
