Please don't use social media to get back at me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
