I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
