I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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