so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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