He passed out mid-signature
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize