apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
These tits shall not be calmed
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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