He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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