My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
