Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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