Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
