idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
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MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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