We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
