How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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