We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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