wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
