I'm so fucking centered right now
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him