i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
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so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.