i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
