I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize