I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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