I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So squirting runs in the family.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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