someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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