Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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