There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
