I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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