i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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