I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
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His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half