I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
