I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
