if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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